Self Defense

Top Seven Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Do you think a friend, your teen daughter, or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship?  

How does this even happen?  

It’s all about control. Often, in the beginning of the relationship, the abuser is the most charming guy in the world, bearing gifts, sending caring texts, and willing to talk to her for hours. It’s easy for her to fall in love with him. A relationship forms and he just wants to spend more and more time with her. She loves this, of course, and is flattered and happy that someone really cares about her this much.  

In fact, he cares about her so much that he gets jealous when she pays attention to anybody else. At first, it’s flattering, but then the cycle of control will begin. He will start telling her what to wear, where she can go, and who she can spend time with. When she doesn’t do exactly as he wants, or even when she does, he starts with criticism. He calls her names, first when they’re alone, then in front of others. This isolates her from friends and family. It’s “the two of them against the world.” Emails and phone calls are monitored. Physical abuse occurs when he’s frustrated, but he’s very sorry afterward with extravagant apologies and everything will go well again for a while.  

The cycle can be so insidious, that a woman, especially if she’s a teenager, does not realize this is a downward slide. “He loves me so much, he wants to spend all his time with me,” is the thought.  

But you can see it. You don’t know exactly what is going on, but you sense that it’s not good. Here are some signs to look for that may mean your friend or family member might need help.  

  • She’s giving up activities she used to care about to be with this guy, including time spent with friends.

  • When she’s together with him, he calls her names or puts her down in front of you and her friends.

  • She makes excuses for is behavior and apologizes for him.

  • She cancels plans at the last minute with fairly flimsy excuses.

  • You’ve seen him lose his temper and know that he’s broken things in the house when he gets mad

  • She is constantly worried that she will do something to make him angry

  • Her weight, appearance, or, if a teenager, grades, have changed dramatically

  So, what do you do? Speak up! Express your concern privately to her and ask her if something is wrong. Point out the signs that you’ve noticed, tell her that you’re worried, and let her know that you are there to listen without judgement, pressure, advice, or conditions of your own. Reassure her that whatever is said is just between you and private.  

Maybe you’re concerned that you might be wrong, she won’t want to talk about it, or she’ll tell you that it’s none of your business. However, when you offer to listen to and support her, you may just save her life.    

  		filler