Self Defense

When it's Not Your Fault

He was a rock star at their high school. She couldn’t believe that he wanted to spend time with her. She was no slouch herself, but this guy was popular, a good student, and on the school’s winning football team. A couple of weeks ago he asked if she wanted to get some ice cream at the 31 Flavors down the street. They talked for a couple of hours about everything. Tonight, she was going over to his house for a study date and her friends were happy for her even though they were green with envy. He’s the perfect guy.  

When she got to his house, he told her that his parents had to go out and they had the place to themselves. Sweet, right? After getting her a Coke, they opened their history books and started quizzing each other. When the subject was exhausted, he invited her to take a break and sit next to him on the sofa. She smiled when he reached over to kiss her and she kissed him back. When he wanted to go further, she said no and suggested they get back to history. She was surprised that he got angry and started to grab her by the shoulders and push her down on the sofa. At first, she thought he was just playing around. But he wasn’t, she saw, when he started unbuttoning his pants.  

Most people assume that the average rapist is a stranger who comes out of nowhere and forces you to have sex with him. However, the most prevalent type of sexual assault is by someone you know. The Department of Justice 2007 statistics state that for all sexual assaults in that year, seventy percent of the survivors knew their assailant. He could be a date, a co-worker, a neighbor, or a relative. You may have just met them and be on friendly terms, or have known them for many years. Your boundaries are relaxed around them.  

The girl in the story thought she knew the guy who tried to rape her. She willingly went to his house. She willingly sat down next to him, close to him on the sofa. She was happy that he kissed her and eagerly kissed him back.  

So was it her fault that she was about to be raped?  

Here’s the main thing to remember. Whatever happens, sexual assault or rape is never the fault of the woman who is attacked. Never. Never. Never. You have the right to say who touches your body and when. Anyone who touches your body without your express permission is committing the crime of sexual assault. THEY are the bad guy, not you.  

If the guy was a good guy, when she said no, he would stop touching her. The good guys understand that “no” means stop. You can imagine a scenario where the guy’s parents are out, but he doesn’t attack the girl. You can imagine a scenario where the guy is kissing the girl and when she doesn’t want to go further, he stops. Do you see a pattern here? The girl did nothing wrong -- the boy is at fault.  

Fortunately, the girl had a few tricks up her sleeve. As he reached down to unbutton his pants, he relaxed his grip. This was just enough space for the girl to swing an elbow and  hit him on the side of his head, yelling at him to get off her. When he looked up, she rammed her palm into his nose. It took more than once, but eventually she hurt him enough that both hands went to his face. She used her hips to kick him off and left the house.  

Was it her fault that she got into that situation? No. Was it her responsibility to get out of it? You bet, and she survived with flying colors. It was hard to hit someone that, just a few minutes ago, she really liked, but when she figured out that he was not the good guy she thought he was, she acted quickly to get away. She was able to do that because she knew that the moment he disregarded her wishes, it was not and would never be her fault.

 filler